


Replacement

by hongbab



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9778565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongbab/pseuds/hongbab
Summary: Sanghyuk is nowhere, but he’s everywhere.





	

**Author's Note:**

> you can also read this story in [russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4039903) thanks to a lovely [reader](http://nihtovich.tumblr.com/) ♥

Jaehwan only blinks when his eyes start stinging from being open for too long. He’s pressed up against the wall again, and he hasn’t got a wink of sleep in the last six hours he’s been lying in the bed.

He carefully takes the heavy arm off his middle, the action being judged in the form of a grunt from Wonshik who, after Jaehwan sits up, takes the blanket from Jaehwan and hugs that instead.

Jaehwan crawls to the edge of the bed over Wonshik's long legs, and sits down with his elbows on his knees and his head resting on his palms. His mind is still hazy and he can’t really see anything very well, but the sight of discarded clothes, empty beer and wine bottles and a disgusting amount of ashes and cigarette butts on the floor registers quite vividly. His stomach makes a very strange move, and when he tries to swallow down his nausea, he finds his mouth so dry it hurts to move his tongue.

He takes his clothes from the floor, and stumbles into the bathroom. He drinks from the tap until the water starts coming back up in his throat, and when he can no longer take any more, he steps into the shower. It takes him extremely long to be able to move his numb limbs, and by the time he manages to leave the shower, the water has turned ice cold.

He brushes his teeth with the toothbrush he’s had over at Wonshik's for the last few months, and looks up at his reflection. There are several hickeys on his neck, his lips are swollen to the point they look funny, and the scratches on his shoulder and chest are a bright red. He gets dressed, and pads back into Wonshik's bedroom to fetch his other belongings. Wonshik is waking up; he’s rubbing his eyes and licking his lips with probably no saliva. Jaehwan takes the water bottle thrown into the corner, and reaches it out to Wonshik.

“Thanks,” Wonshik grumbles in a voice not even resembling human pitch. He sits up with a bird’s nest for hair, and drinks a few gulps. His bloodshot eyes need some seconds to focus on Jaehwan's face. “You’ve already showered?”

“Yeah,” Jaehwan replies, his voice cracking. The smoke has fucked up his throat again, and now it feels like his oesophagus is being clawed at when he speaks.

“Did you even sleep?”

“No.”

“Sorry,” Wonshik yawns. “Please, don’t go yet.”

“I need to.”

Wonshik places the bottle back down on the floor, and takes Jaehwan's hand, pulling him down until Jaehwan is sitting in his lap. Wonshik rests his head on Jaehwan's shoulder, breathing warm air onto Jaehwan's skin for a few seconds before he presses a kiss to Jaehwan's neck.

“Just stay here until it’s time to go,” he murmurs.

“I don’t want them to see us together,” Jaehwan says, a hand sliding up on Wonshik's arm to gently try to push him away, but his effort isn’t real, and Wonshik doesn’t budge.

“Hakyeon knows,” Wonshik says, lifting his head to peck Jaehwan's cheek. “If Hakyeon knows, Taekwoon and Hongbin know as well.”

“There’s nothing to know,” Jaehwan says. “We’re not a couple, Wonshik.”

“We’re _something like a couple_ , though,” Wonshik chuckles, kissing the corner of Jaehwan's mouth. “You spend a lot more time here than at home.”

“It’s because—”

_It’s because everything at home reminds me of him._

Jaehwan lets out a shuddery breath and closes his eyes. Wonshik wraps his arms around his waist, and turns him around in his lap until Jaehwan is straddling his hips, and cups Jaehwan's cheeks with his hands.

“We don’t need to talk about it,” Wonshik says, and when Jaehwan opens his eyes, he sees the sober sadness that, somewhere along the line, became the general shade of the looks Wonshik gives him.

It’s a reflex planted into Jaehwan's mind to lean in and press his lips against Wonshik's, his arms coming around Wonshik's neck to keep him close as Wonshik's fingers run over the skin of his back under his shirt.

He wishes he would finally find the comfort he’s been seeking for the last six months in all of this.

 

Jaehwan only manages to get home to take a quick shower and put on clean clothes, not even looking around the place before meeting his friends at the café.

Everyone looks a little bit dishevelled: Wonshik is the epitome of someone being on the border of still drunk and already hungover, Hakyeon has three shopping bags by his legs, Hongbin is still in his working shoes and Taekwoon is clad in a dark grey suit with his tie slightly loosened.

“Jaehwan-ah!” Hakyeon trills when Jaehwan stops by their table, and he jumps on his feet, hugging Jaehwan tight. “I was worried you wouldn’t come.”

“It would have been a pity to miss out on this lovely gathering,” Jaehwan smiles, and sits down next to Wonshik, just a little bit farther away from him than anybody else from the other. “You all look like you forced yourself to take the time for this whole thing.”

“I’ve been so busy,” Hongbin whines, and looks down at his feet under the table. “I still have parrot blood on my shoes from the surgery this afternoon.”

“I needed to get some practice clothes for the dance crew,” Hakyeon says with a worn sigh.

“Our team is having a big match on Friday,” Taekwoon says, twisting the gold band around on his left ring finger out of habit. “If you guys want to come watch it—”

“Sure!” Hakyeon exclaims happily. “It’s been long since we saw coach Jung in action.”

Taekwoon stifles a laugh as a waitress takes their order.

“Is Sarang coming, too?” Wonshik asks.

“Yeah,” Taekwoon smiles, twisting his wedding band around once again. “She’s come to like football a lot; we can’t drag her away from the TV when a match is on—she doesn’t even care about the teams, she’s simply obsessed with the game itself.”

“Reminds me of someone,” Hongbin snorts, and sips on the tea the waitress puts down in front of him.

“Ah, yes, she takes after her godfather in this aspect,” Hakyeon replies dreamily.

Wonshik and Hongbin splutter into their drinks and Taekwoon makes a surprised sound while Jaehwan watches them with mild amusement. Hakyeon furrows his brow.

“She surely inherited her love for sports from you,” Wonshik teases.

“Assholes,” Hakyeon mutters, and kicks Hongbin under the table.

It's all how it used to be, everyone teasing Hakyeon for anything he says, and Hakyeon retorting with things that call for even more mocking. Everything is the same as it was all those months ago when all of them could meet up, save for the fact that there's one less person sitting with them now. And that no one holds Jaehwan's hand under the table.

 

**I didn't want to ask in front of everyone, but, Jaehwan, are you ok?**

Jaehwan stares at the text in the dark hallway of his flat until his phone's screen goes black. Ice is creeping up from the pit of his stomach into his throat, and as he looks into the empty darkness, he feels himself trying to swallow it back.

**we're here for you, you know. tell me if I can help with anything, alright?** **❤**

The corners of Jaehwan's lips quirk up—Hakyeon isn't trying to meddle now, he's just being the mother hen he's always been. It's lovely, but no matter how much Jaehwan wants Hakyeon to be able to help, he knows it's impossible.

He takes off his coat, scarf and boots, and walks into the living room with frozen feet. When the light of the lamp illuminates the place, Jaehwan's knees buckle: printed pictures all over the room, some drawings torn into half, posters crumpled into balls. This is how he left his home before he went over to Wonshik's, and, somewhere deep inside his mind, he hoped the trash would clean itself up by the time he returns. It didn't.

Sanghyuk is nowhere, but he's _everywhere_.

Jaehwan sits down in the middle of the mess carefully, reaching out for a photo with a wildly trembling hand. Sanghyuk is grinning above Jaehwan's head, his arms wrapped around Jaehwan's chest to support himself on his back, and Jaehwan is smiling just as happily if only with a little grimace from the weight of his boyfriend. The picture itself is wavy from the dried wetness on it, its edges are crinkled and there are scratches on it. Jaehwan stares at it as if he's trying to summon Sanghyuk like that, and maybe he really is.

The lamplight makes the ring on his right index finger glint, and that's where he loses his already non-existent composure, breaking down and crying in the middle of the empty flat.

 

"Sometimes I feel like you don't even want to be here," Wonshik says above the instant jjajangmyeon he's stuffing his mouth with, the corners of his lips brown from the sauce. Jaehwan makes an eyebrow movement that could be interpreted as the question 'is that so?', and continues poking around the noodles in his own bowl. Wonshik drinks a sip of his can of coke, and then says, "But I don't understand why you're here if you don't want to be."

"You're not trying to fix me," Jaehwan replies, taking out a noodle, and then dropping it back between the rest.

"What do you mean?"

"You don't act like I'm a puppy you rescued from the street," Jaehwan shrugs. "Hakyeon does, and he wants to involve Taekwoon and Hongbin, too. Plus, you're the only one around who has nothing to do all day."

"I do have shit to do!" Wonshik says indignantly.

"Name _one_ shit you have to do today."

"You," Wonshik answers, and barks out a laughter.

Jaehwan puts down his chopsticks and pushes away the bowl. "That was offensive on so many fucking levels, Jesus." He sends Wonshik a truly disgusted look. After a moment of consideration he stands up from the table. "You know, I don't know why I'm here either."

He strides out of the kitchen, but Wonshik yells, "Hey!", and a second later, he drapes himself over Jaehwan's back. "I was kidding, sorry."

"Haven't you learnt you aren't funny yet?" Jaehwan grumbles, trying to escape from Wonshik's embrace, but the other holds him so tight it's almost painful.

"Sorry, man, I really didn't want to hurt you, okay?" Wonshik presses a kiss to the back of Jaehwan's head. "Can I make it up to you?"

"I don't think so," Jaehwan replies, but he tilts his head to the side anyway so Wonshik can kiss his neck.

It's when they're already in Wonshik's goddamn uncomfortable bed, Wonshik pounding into Jaehwan until Jaehwan is gasping for air that it all turns even more wrong than any time before.

For the first time after what seems to have been hours, Jaehwan opens his eyes to see the muscles on Wonshik's shoulder tremble with exertion as he keeps himself up above Jaehwan, his teeth grazing patterns into the skin of Jaehwan's arm, and when Wonshik pulls back to kiss him on the mouth, Jaehwan cups his cheeks, staring into his eyes. There's something on the right side of his peripheral vision—something that reflects light in a metallic way...

"Wait," he breathes, and Wonshik groans, giving a shallow thrust, his eyes falling shut. Jaehwan lets out a small moan, but it's broken by his next words. "Wait. Wait, Wo-Wonshik... stop. Fucking stop already!"

Wonshik opens his unfocused eyes, leaning down to capture Jaehwan's lips with his own. Jaehwan turns his head to the side, and tries to push Wonshik off him. "Get off me!"

"What the hell?" Wonshik half whines half grumbles, but won't move. "What's wrong, Jaehwan, I was so close—"

"I don't care, just get the fuck off me!"

Jaehwan musters all the strength he still has in his arms and pushes Wonshik off, a hiccup leaving his throat as Wonshik gets off the bed.

"What's wrong, Jaehwan?!" Wonshik asks, and he would look ridiculous with that confused grimace on his face and his dick curving up towards his stomach, but Jaehwan can't laugh. His tears spill, trickling down the sides of his face, and he presses his hands onto his eyes.

"You're scaring me," comes Wonshik's voice from a million miles away.

Jaehwan feels fingers in his hair, and he immediately bats them away. His hand lingers in the air, his ring shining more sharply than ever.

"Are you too stoned to—" Wonshik starts, but then Jaehwan presses his left palm on his own mouth to stifle a scream, and Wonshik glances at his ring. "You forgot to take it off," he mumbles, and carefully takes Jaehwan's hand into his own. "Jaehwan-ah, listen, we'll take it off, okay? Everything's going to be okay."

Jaehwan curls his fingers into Wonshik's skin, feeling his nails sink into his flesh.

Wonshik sits down on the edge of the bed, holding Jaehwan's hand up to his lips, pressing gentle kisses to his knuckles while pulling the ring off Jaehwan's index finger. He places the ring on the nightstand, and Jaehwan watches the move through his tears, checking how cautious Wonshik is with the precious fake silver.

"It's time you took it off for good, Jaehwan-ah," Wonshik says in a deeper voice than usual, and Jaehwan glances at him. "He can't come back," Jaehwan closes his eyes, nearly choking as he covers even his nose so no noise can come out of him. "He wouldn't want you to mourn him forever."

Jaehwan finally takes his hand off his face. "We don't know what he would want, because he's fucking _dead_." The words ring harshly in the silence of the room, and Wonshik stiffens. "He died and left me here to deal with— with everything— myself and you and— he's not here, and... I miss him so much."

His final sentence is just a whisper, but Wonshik hears it and swallows hard.

"Why am I so bad?" he asks, and Jaehwan's crying halts for a few seconds from the resigned tone. Wonshik places their hands on his thigh, looking down at Jaehwan's, caressing his fingers. "I just don't understand why I'm not enough for you, I'm— I'm trying so hard."

"What?" Jaehwan mumbles.

"I'm just," Wonshik throws his head back to look at the ceiling, biting his tongue as he smiles bitterly. "I've been trying so fucking hard to get even just a touch from you that would indicate that maybe, maybe I'm not doing this in vain, maybe one day you'll love me as much as I love you."

"You..." Jaehwan sits up in the bed, shaking despite the humid heat in the room. He sniffles, wiping everything off his face with the back of his hand. "You love... me?"

"Don't act like you didn't know."

Jaehwan lets a new tear slide down his cheek as he pulls his fingers out of Wonshik's grip. Wonshik looks at him, and the hurt in his eyes would break Jaehwan's heart if it wasn't already lying several metres under the ground in a cemetery, dead and cold and shattered, with the only person he was destined to be in love with.

"Why are you making this whole thing about yourself?"

Wonshik gasps and knits his brows, tears collecting in his eyes.

"What did you say?" he breathes.

"You're turning this conversation into a confession so I'll say I love you out of pity," Jaehwan says, and his voice is surprisingly steady now, thick with all the anger he's struggling to hold back.

"Are you saying I am the selfish one here?" Wonshik asks unbelievingly. He blinks once and his tears fall onto the bed sheets.

"Are you saying it's me?"

"Yes, God, yes!" Wonshik stands up from the bed, taking his briefs from the ground and pulling them up. "You've been coming here for months so I would fuck you into oblivion and you could relax and stop thinking about Sanghyuk for an hour or so! All the while knowing very well that I wasn't doing it out of pure kindness but did everything because I've been in love with you for the last three years, and don't give me that look, Jaehwan, I know you avoided getting close to me while you were with Sanghyuk because you suspected how I felt for you. You knew I was feeling like shit when you dragged me along to get those stupid couple rings for you guys, that's why you paid back my _inconvenience_ with a fucking box of pizza the week after."

Jaehwan sits there with his cheeks on fire and his chest heavy, staring down at the blanket twisted by his legs.

"I should be going," he says quietly.

"You should," Wonshik agrees.

Jaehwan gets up from the bed, and dresses up with jelly-like limbs while Wonshik watches him from the corner with his arms folded in front of himself. When Jaehwan is already in his jacket and shoes, and he's standing at the front door with Wonshik looming over him from behind, he mutters, "Sorry."

He opens the door, and steps out, but then Wonshik grabs his wrist, and Jaehwan turns around. Wonshik takes Jaehwan's hand for a second, and when he pulls back, there's something small and metallic on Jaehwan's palm: his ring.

"I wish you'd stop killing us both," Wonshik says, and Jaehwan would look up at him, but all he can see are Wonshik's collarbones as he gets a kiss on his forehead. Wonshik draws back, and closes the door into Jaehwan's face.

Jaehwan is not killing himself, he's already dead. And if Wonshik loves him, that means he will be dead soon—that's what happens to people who fall in love with Jaehwan.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me about any of my stories or just vixx in general on [tumblr](http://hongbab.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab) or [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1061753) ♡ please support me on [ko-fi.com](https://ko-fi.com/hongbab) if you can ♡


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